I know I need to begin again. I know I need writing to cleanse my soul and heal from the inner pain I cannot seem to stop. I can put band aids on it; reading books, going for a walk, drinking wine, but it is always still there.
I cannot stop this pain I feel for the loss of my dad. Man, I miss him EVERYDAY!!! I do have a little journal I have written in since his passing, but even that has been collecting dust lately.
Now it is Brother Zach. A part of my soul is missing and I feel it everyday. The stars aligned on the day Zach was born, bringing him into the same place in the galaxy where my soul resides. We share something special and that bond was tarnished in June when Claire and I had to put him into Detox. He gave us no choice. We were terrified for his safety and were hoping someone would just help him.
I am coming to realize that there may not be anyone who can help him. Actually, I know the only person who can help Zach is himself. He is on a road to hitting rock bottom and I pray to GOD, when he hits, he will still be alive. I can't imagine my life without my brother in it. It is funny I can even say that considering he has not had normal contact with me since June. I should be used to this by now, but I am not. I am NOT at all. Even if we didn't talk weekly, we still connected through social media. We both knew the other was there. Now he doesn't even respond.
I had a dream last week. Zach was clean. I know that sounds funny, but his hair was clean, blond and shiny, his skin looked great, and his beard was trimmed. He looked angelic and really peaceful. It actually scared me. I woke up thinking he had died.
Seriously. I need my brother to heal. He has so many people in his life and it terrifies me that he is shutting us all out.