My team is going for a big promotion.  Vice President Sales Leader.  Yes, That is what the title of our team will be. HOWEVER, I get to carry that title personally and represent my team.  I get to rally everyone, get them excited, and give them the WANT to want to do this.  I get to, or should I say, I HAVE to ask 200 girls to place an order of $250...  In my head, I know they should just do it right?  Well, not everyone sees the value of this, and I want to tell them and remind them of when they started and the time I invested in them to help get them started. This is just a part of being on a team like this.  This is part of the job and privilege of getting the discount.  However, it is not this easy and I was reminded of that today by Jackson.  

The last time I wrote in this blog about Jack was when he spotted a squirrel.  He as SO excited!  The squirrels were back.  Well, I live in Minnesota and it got cold again, so the squirrels went back into hiding.  However, Jackson remembers that day and now every day we drive in the car and pass the corner where he saw the squirrel, he begins to whine.  For the rest of our short car ride to get his human siblings to school he stares out the window, shaking, whining, and watching the side of the road with his head and eyes, starting at the front of the window and moving towards the back of the window. Back and forth, back and forth. He has a slight wag in his tail showing he is still happy, but his confidence is a little waned. He caught a glimpse, and now he is just waiting AND waiting to catch that glimpse again so his hope is renewed and he is confident the squirrel population is not extinct just because he wants them SO bad.

It occurred to me this is how I feel this month during the promotion.  Back in December, I caught a glimmer of hope that this team was indeed ready to promote.  There was hope with the numbers coming in and the interest to place orders.  I saw the team come to life and I began to believe this was possible.  

Now, here I am, in the middle of the month 25% of the way there, and I feel like that whiny squirrel hunting dog, looking out of the window with a slight wag in my tail, just waiting to see movement.  ANY type of movement.  I want so hard to believe this is going to happen, but when I have to put my faith in so many other people and have faith they are going to see the big picture and WANT to come through for not only the team, but myself, I start to get a little nervous.  I may not show it to the outside world.  My smile is like the slight wag of Jack's tail.  I am not unhappy, I am not losing hope, but I am just a little nervous about the squirrel population being extinct because I want this so bad...  

I know I need to let go and "LET GOD" and I am trying.  So, GOD, if you are reading this, please show me a sign that this promotion is indeed going to happen and this is the right direction in the path I am supposed to take.  Amen.

I love when I look out at night in the winter and the snow is falling, the trees are covered, and it looks like a faint version of daylight outside when it is really almost midnight.  it is so peaceful.

I am sad, mad, crabby, angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, pissed off, and just not happy today.  I am in a funk and I want to get out of it, but don't know how to right now.  frustrated.  I just want a waterfall of happiness, good news, positive business, and huge cash flow to just come our way.  

Oh my little happy fairies, can you fly some joy my way.  

Winter is difficult in Minnesota.  Especially if you are a small dog with not a lot of fur to keep you warm, and have a Human Mom who doesn't buy you boots or put your coat on for quick outside bathroom breaks.  Brrr.

Today it was 2 degrees.  Seriously.  I just got back from a trip to Panama, and it is 2.  We may get to 15 today.  Anyway, after a HORRIBLE January starting with my precious dad passing suddenly.....  I now have to basically begin 2018 over.  

My dad always told me I needed to write.  He was a writer and would share those writings with me.  He saw something similar in me and I totally agree, because I HAVE always been a writer, and a creator. I need to make more of an intentional effort to write everyday. I have a little journal now, so I can write with actual pen when I don't feel like typing.  Today, I bring my writing back to Jackson, my faithful furry friend who I love DEARLY and missed a lot during my absence in January.  

Now, the squirrels in MN basically hibernate in December and January.  They start to appear at the end of January a little more, and in February when the weather starts to get into the teens and 20's more, you will see them frolicking in the snows and chasing each other hoping from branch to branch in the trees.  

Jackson and I do not do a lot of walking in the winter.  I have a circulation condition that causes my extremities to freeze and it is really uncomfortable, so Jackson's main excitement comes in the mornings on our rides to school to drop of his human siblings. I do need to mention, his sweet doggy sister, Lily isn't invited on these car trips, because if you remember, she has extreme anxiety and fear and car rides are very difficult for both of us.  

So, back to Jack.  He goes outside for his morning pee. The sun has already started to rise, so it is light out (different from this time of day in the previous 2 months).  My husband John, is watching him and all of a sudden in an excited voice says, "oh my gosh, there's a squirrel!".  Well, this causes all of us to go running to the window to watch.  It is like a first robin sighting in the spring time.  The squirrels are back!  Jackson goes from "pee" position to alert squirrel hunting position. His ears prick up, his body tenses, his tail is straight behind his sleek brown body.  He is ready.  But then, his paws freeze.  Remember how I said I don't put boots on him?  Well, the little pads on his feet are sensitive. Jackson watches while standing in one place as the squirrel runs under a tree and does not come back out.  If it were warmer outside, he would run to the fence while whine-howling and tail wagging.  However now, he is frozen.  

He musters up enough warmth and strength in his body to accomplish what he went out to do, finish his morning bathroom routine.  He walks sadly to the side of the house, does his "other" business, and comes back in the house.  He seems somber, but there is a glimmer of hope in his eyes, and when we drive the kids to school, he watches out the window alert and ready to see more.  

As I sit here and reflect on this story, I think about my restart of 2018 in February.  What is it that I want to accomplish, where have MY squirrels been hibernating?  Have I seen them appear briefly and had the excitement that my dog has?  Well, actually I have.  Sharing this opportunity with people is easy, but I don't always find the ease in having them sign on to share it themselves.  This is a part of my job and something I should be doing more of.  In January, I had a girl who signed on to share the mission.  She was my squirrel in January. Disappointment and "business hibernation" followed, but SHE was my squirrel sighting in the cold, and for her I am grateful today.  

I know that I need to look out my window with excitement and recognize that any glimmer of hope is sign that things are going to continue to improve and that a positive outlook is necessary to maintain so improvement can happen more naturally and rapidly.  Like Jackson, I will NOT give up.  Things may not have gone how I have wanted them to go these past 5 weeks, but I have been in the park where there are MANY squirrels and I know, there will be many more in the near future.

Today, I start 2018 again.  Today I focus, and today I regain the little bit of lost hope I have been feeling.  Today is going to be a GREAT DAY!!!

I Love that my 12 y;ear old still loves the fresh fallen snow.  Her excitement when her neighbor comes home so they can go sledding together.  She waited anxiously at the window.  Watching and waiting for her to come home.  She is so sweet.

SO, I think I am going to be a little boring here. I am just going to write a little bit each day about my day.  Or at least try to.  November 20th and I am catching up on weekend work.  

I made brussel sprouts and my house smells like a fart.  It is really clean though!  
Back to work.  I think I have to go and through them out first.  P.U!!!
​

This is a big one.  For the FIRST time I saw a glimmer of hope.  I watched my numbers on my team rise, I watched my active number reach 32, and for the first time, my commission check was a little over $3000.  OMG.  My goal was 33 and $3000, but I will take this.  

My team was on fire!!!  I had girls with higher sales than I have ever seen.  I see hope in their eyes and feel it when I talk to them.  There is a good thing happening here.  

VP is around the corner for me. We are building towards it.  I know we can get it.  This IS going to work.  VP in March.  THAT is the next big scary hairy goal, and I WILL achieve it.

My daughter and I had a really great talk.  At first it wasn't.  At first it was a lot of clarification of our miscommunication.  You see, my daughter is the queen of persistence and when she gets something in her head it is hard to get it out. 

Last night when she presented me with her idea and I told her I was not going to support it, she walked away and refused to talk to me.  After spending a day wondering if I had completely failed in parenting, she clarified that she and her friend have been talking about what it would be like to experiment.  She brought it up to me because she wanted to see if I was still open to talking to her about anything.  She felt I was not open after our brief conversation.  

Our conversation led to basically a breakdown of my daughter because she has taken on too many college courses and has joined WAY to many clubs.  She has over extended herself because she is terrified she won't get into a good college. THIS IS A SMART KID.  I can tell her she will get into a college, but she is not going to believe anything I say because it is coming from me. 

Ugh, parenting is so hard sometimes.  

Now, we got things figured out, but I have to say, I know this is not the end of this.  She knows I thoughts and my feelings, but she also has the teenage brain. However, I feel I said too much of how I was feeling based on how open our conversations can be.  I feel I left her feelings on insecurity and doubt.  These are similar feelings I felt growing up and I KNOW how she is feeling.  I am kicking myself, but also can't over think.  I didn't know how to express what I was feeling, so I wrote down a few of my thoughts and had her read them. Honestly, she needed to know.  She expects me to respect her teenage thought process, but at the same time doesn't respect my mom thought process.  I had to explain to her I am NOT her best friend.  I am her parent and I don't have to agree with her decisions. It is my job to guide her.  I think she has forgotten that.  Maybe she never really understood this. 

Now we march forward and continue to move on.  I know this conversation happened and I will forever be on guard and know that the call will come when she needs me to come and pick her up.

Oh my gosh.  My brain is filled with "mommy' worry today.  My oldest daughter who tells me EVERYTHING, including things I don't want to hear (like when she plays kissie face with her ex-boyfriend).  Last night she told me something that has made me sick to my stomach all day long.

She told me her group of friends have been talking about experimenting with alcohol.  She said they would be "safe".  Holy crap.  Seriously, this is the kid I have been so proud of because of the good choices she HAS been making.  How she has left friend groups because they have started "partying".  I thought John and I have actually done something right.  We had raised her good.  Great morals.  Open communication.  The ability for her to completely be herself.

Well, that is what she is doing.  She is completely being herself. She is expressing to me her thoughts and desires and she was asking for my feedback.  My feedback...

My feedback included of the immediate feeling to vomit on the floor.  Immediate stomach cramps. Immediate red flags saying NO NO NO NO NO!!!!  I expressed this to her and her words to me were "Well, if you want open communication, you are not going to get it anymore".  This made me SO sad, SO HEART SICK AND SAD. I cannot agree with this AND I told her that.  However, I too was a teenager, and I was not totally innocent.  I CAN say, I was better than my sister and my friends.  I also grew  up in a small town and didn't even see marijuana until college and STILL haven't seen all the other stuff that is out there.  She is growing up in a completely different place AND time.

Part of this is selfish too.  I worry about what people will think of John and I as parents.  BECAUSE, kids talk, and now she will be lumped in with the "rest" of them who party.  A bigger part of me is worried because she doesn't know exactly what this is like.  She doesn't understand how you think you can do anything.  You think you act normal and you don't.  You think you are invincible and her brain just isn't ready for this yet.  She doesn't get that when she makes this choice and shares it with her brother, it is going to give him permission in his head to do it too.  She doesn't get that if she gets caught, this could impact her future.  If she drives and kills someone, she can go to jail, This is more than just experimenting.  This is RISKY behavior, and I want more for my children than that.  I don't care if she thinks I am being closed minded.  This is something I cannot get behind her on. I will not be that parents who okays this in high school.  I will not be that parent who has to keep secrets from friends because I hear things about their children.  NOT after the car accident this fall.  I can't believe she is even considering this because of how she reacted from Trushna. and the accident.  I totally understand this age and how kids think they know everything.  I just am sad that she thinks this is an okay path to go down just because she is in high school.  I can't believe she is OKAY with now being clumped into the same category as girls like Olivia and the other "populars".  I am just sick to my heart.

I don't want her to close herself off to me.  I just want her to make the right choice in this situation.  I let it go when she told me about how "far" she went with her boyfriend.  She wasn't in a life and death situation.  Drugs and alcohol are TOTALLY different.  Your judgement is impaired and even though your friends "SAY" they are okay, their judgement is impaired and because YOUR judgement is impaired, you are now risking your life.  Call me an over reactor, whatever, There was at least ONE person killed or critically injured in my high school every year because of bad choices with alcohol.  That was a small high school.  Her school is quadruple the size. The incident with her classmates can easily AND will be repeated if more people think it is "OKAY" to say yes.  

I am heart sick.

Today I feel really thankful.  As I was finishing up cleaning the kitchen from our day of cooking muffins and chili yesterday , I was able to move next to the laundry, sweep the floor, recreate my dying flowers arrangements, and make and drink my coffee.
I KNOW I have a ton of work I could be doing, but I also know the workload of “catching up” has been decreasing and it opens my mind to be able to relax just a bit. 
I am on my journey and loving it.  I feel grateful and fortunate.  I listen so so many of my friends who complain about their work.  My parties are sometimes filled with people complaining about their jobs, looking for a new one, and just overall not happy with their life.  I want so bad to be able to convince them there is something different. However, I also feel that what I do is not for everyone.  It takes a certain kind of motivation and determination to be able to do what I do and be successful at it.  It is not for everyone.    Sometimes I wonder if I can do it, and then I sit back and remember all I am grateful for and know I CAN AND WILL.  I was chosen to be on this path and this path is a great one for me.
However, there is this underlying fear that something will happen that takes this sense of peace away from me and when that thought comes up it scares me.  I have to consciously have to push those thoughts away and “think happy thoughts”.  Sounds silly, I know, but that is what I need to do.  I am a big manifester and I manifest a happy life, and happy existence.  I manifest LOVE , and good marriage, happy and secure children, happy dogs, and living my dream.
What is my dream?  Well, there was one day I was in the shower coming up with a way to describe why I do what I do.  I had the words written perfectly out in my head, but then did not put them on paper.  I know a version of why I do what I do, but wish I would have written it down.  It wasn’t my DREAM entirely, but it was part of my vision for why I do what I do. 
I GET to help people create.  I GET to help people dream.  I GET to help people see there may be another answer.  I GET TO HELP.  I feel I am on the verge of exploding with this concept when I am out there talking about my job, the products I share, and why I do what I do, but I also feel there is a level of “unsmoothness” and I get nervous, have doubts in my head it may sound corney, and then I mess up the entire message of what I am saying.  I leave it with a light hearted “okay, I got that part over with, let’s move on now” attitude.  I am perfectly aware that when I do this I am short falling my vision I have of the potential I can see in the people in the room.  I need to work on that.