Last night I had a realization. After talking to Taite about her view of God and feeling I had failed her  in some way, it occurred to me I had not. 

I have always taught my kids to be kind and good. To do good deeds for others.  Be selfless in actions, and to overall just be a good person. 

When we were discussing mission trips and Taite said she does not want to do something like this because God is telling her to, she wants to do something like this because SHE wants to. She lives her life wanting to be kind and good and I GAVE her that. I taught her that. 

So, whether she believes or not, she is going out in the world to do good and if she doesn't recognize it as sharing God's love, I still can secretly do that. 

She will find her way on her own and whether that path leads to a strong belief in God, or just having faith in humanity, it is her path to follow and discover. No matter what.  I am proud of her. 

I want a business that I am able to...

• Run from my home
• Generate $4000 in income monthly
• Earn regular incentive trips
• Sell $6000 a month in product
• Have the majority through Facebook or online events
• Work no more than 25 hours a week
• Build a team throughout the country
• Have team builders who want to be leaders and build their own teams

When I look at that list I ask myself: What do I see, what am I already accomplishing, and how do I accomplish the rest?  

So if you are reading this please know that I have accomplished most already of what is above.  There are so many of these things I want to maintain or grow.  These things have not come easily. IN FACT, most people are snuggling in their beds on a Sunday night watching their favorite TV show.  On the other hand, I have just finished a FB party, booked a party for May, and coached future hosts in how to do things.  I have spent the last few years sacrificing time with my family so I can build a life many people want to lead. The life I want to lead involves everything above and the benefit of it all are these things:

• TIME I choose to spend with my family.  What I mean by this is this...  If I want to go on a field trip I can.  If I want to go on vacation, I can.  If I want to go to lunch with my 18 year old, I can. If I want to spend a day, week, etc.. with my family, I CAN. 
• Money to do the things with my family, WHEN I want to do them. AND not feel guilty about the money we spend. Side note...  We all work hard and want to save $$ for things.  Sometimes we need to look at life and say, "I need to live just a little. I am going to go on vacation and spend what I have earned on memories that will last a lifetime for those who are with me.  We can't take money to the grave, but we can leave behind memories which will last a lifetime. 
• Memories.  This one is huge.  After spending the week with a sweet lady with Dementia and having grandparents die from this horrible curse, I want all who know and love me to have memories of all the good times.  I want them to have laughter of all the funny times ( I fell in a trench), and I want people to smile and be kind. When anyone is feeling sad, I want them to have a good memory to look back on and just smile. 

Not sure.  Who do I pray to?? give me an answer. 

In this horrible dismal winter we are experiencing, I saw a ray of sunshine today.  I saw it in the wag of the tail from my silky loving wiener. Man I love that dog.  

He was assisting me in the drive to school today.  Making sure I was watching the road and making sure his human sibling finished her breakfast. 

The sun was shinning and it was actually light out.  It truly felt like spring today and Jackson could feel it too. He was looking out the window with his tail wagging so hard his butt jiggled, and he kept looking at me while making a slight "whining" sound that was basically asking me "Did you see that?".  It was like he could feel the unseen movement of the slumbering squirrels. He could feel them waking up, and he was letting me know he was ready. He is ready for the chase.  This has been the LONGEST winter.  Jackson has been so patient, but it is time to get back on the hunt and all the gazing up at the unmoving leash is going to pay off because patience and persistent always ends in success.  

Jackson's success is in the wait.  It is almost time little buddy.  Squirrels are coming...

I am the second oldest of 7.  We are a blended family and I don't define my siblings as half or step. We are all one. 
Being the second oldest (middle child in the original family), and a Libra, I am a natural peacekeeper.  A balancer of scales. 

I am going to take this time in this entry to record some of the messages I have had to send to my brother.  When my dad passed we couldn't find his will.  He had taken it and was planning on redoing it to make it fair for his 5 children.  Well, at his passing the only thing we had to go on were who he had named the beneficiaries of his money.  My 2 siblings who shared my dad and stepmom as parents.
Now, my sister believed they were entitled to that money because of sharing the parents and they did not receive anything when their mom passed. Maybe my dad should have given them each a little something, but he didn't. 

It didn't make it right though for the other 3 of us to be left out. You never want death to be about money, but when your sister buys a house and says it is the house "dad bought her", she is too blind to see the rest of us could have benefited from a "gift" from both my brother and sister so we could have something to say the same thing.  nope.

We all will split the money from the sales of the house.  woop woop. there isn't going to be much left. 

My brother on the other hand is spending his half like a sailor.  He is not working, has a girlfriend with a kid, and is living and spending like he has all the money in the world. The average person goes through an inheritance in about 18 months.  He is well on his way.  Anyway, I am going to record some of the conversations I have been sending his way for my own benefit.  Kind of a recording of sorts if anything were to happen.  I just feel like this needs to be written down.  

I am the only one he seems to HALF listen to.  I will take that and accept that, however, I wish he would really listen.  He lived with us for 2 months and our house is filled with his stuff downstairs, car in the driveway, and his unpaid bills. He went back to the south for a little bit to gather his things and come back up here to live.

So far, he has yet to return. Here are some of the things I have said in the last week: My patience is running thin. 
Z: after me asking why he hasn't cleaned out the condo yet.  This was his number one reason for going. 
Truly solid advice. We were planning on going today, except my emergency card is back in the hole(of course it can only access checking :/) and there's an issue with the water pump in Ranger Ricki. I'll get my new card tomorrow and look at the truck with Mike. Practicality might dictate going on Wednesday or Thursday.
Le Sigh.
The good news is that we're doing really well. Only smoked weed a couple times, and we've gone out but twice. Having adult conversations, resolving arguments without violence, drinking nondairy milk, looking after Orla, making campfires, playing guitar with Mom; I think you would smile
Making dinner with Tress tonight.
Love you, and I'll talk to you soon.
,Me:
Doesn't Orla have school during the day? Just sayin... what’s your new plan? Obviously next week isn’t going to work with return with the stall speed you are going. Not a biggie, but I can’t help think you gotta get a job at some point Zach. Probably not the message you want to wake up to, but I’d hate to see you wake up one day to all your money gone and absolutely nothing to show for it. Rain doesn’t stop progress in other things. Regain focus Zach. You didn’t go back to play caretaker. You went back with a purpose. Excuses be gone. Time to play adult again.
 
He sent me messages with thanks for my concern. Meanwhile, we start getting bills.
Me after I sent him a text he didn't respond to. 
Okay. I will try here to see if I get better results. So, I was hoping I was different. That you respected me enough to not do what you have done in the past to both Dad and Claire, which was not respond to messages. Here is the deal Z You told me before you left how manipulative Tressie is and has been to you. I know you have been trying to share how good she is doing, etc.. but it is YOU I care about at this moment. Obviously, being with Tressie has brought you back to a state where for whatever reason, you feel it is okay to ignore your life responsibilities and your family. I can't help but assume manipulation is playing a factor here based on the past stories you shared. We are getting mail and bills here now in your name. Your car is parked in my driveway. Your clothes are in my basement. You are not responding to me, and frankly I am just about out of patience. I do not deserve this treatment. You need to get in touch with me, and not with a "I am life ing" good. Obviously, you are not or you would have completed the responsibilities you went down there to do. I can't help but show frustration in my messages to you because I am BEYOND HURT that you feel this sort of treatment to me after all the love and support I have shared these past few months, and frankly your whole life, is okay. Please get in touch with me Z.
Z: You are right. You deserve better. You've showed me nothing but love and support, and I didn't act right. I know this. Please don't blame her. This is my fault. I love you and I'm grateful for how you've helped me, and without your support there's no way I could have the strength that I do have. You are wonderful and I've wounded you, and for that I'm very sorry. I am ok. Despite what you may think, I, and she have been doing so very much better. I'm sorry, Sarah. I do have my phone, and if you'd like to talk, I will. Please forgive me (again lol [but not lol]). Know that I love you, please do.
Me: 
​Good morning. I can talk possibly later today. I have meetings this a.m. But on the chance we can't here is what I need to say:
#1. I am not looking for an apology Zach, because those are just words. I am looking for you to show me what you say is true. I know you and Tressie are getting along just fine. That is great for you both, but what are you doing? I need to ask. Is Tressie working? Or is she helping in the spending of your "make an actual plan be able to happen because my dad gave me a gift of money"? When money isn't an issue, it is amazing how relationships go so smooth. What happens when you run out? Have you forgotten how things used to be with you too? Please answer these next questions:
2. Is your new plan to have her move up here with you.
3. Have you abandoned your plan of relocating here and you are going to stay down there?
Next, about the money. Now I am not saying this because you left me 25% to split with Amy and Erin, because ONE, you are not going to die, and in all reality, I think you are more than likely going to blow through it in the next few years anyway. THAT is what concerns me more than anything. You wasting a perfectly good opportunity to make a mark on your world.
Do you know, "A dream is just a dream without a plan"? That is an actual quote.

My number 4 question is WHAT is your plan?
You spent your time writing me back, but ignored really anything I said in the previous texts or messages. You ignored everything I asked. You only commented on my feelings, which I am glad you acknowledged, but when you talk about being strong..... I was expecting that strength to be shown in the ACTIONS of your PLAN before you went down there. Not strength in your ability to get along with Tressie.
Have you even removed the items from the condo? THAT was your purpose for going down there, plus saying your goodbyes.
​These are the questions I would like to see answered. All of them.

Until I see action based on what you told me you were planning on doing, the strength in your mission of making a better life for yourself has still yet to be seen. I know you have it in you, but this all comes back to the conversation we had about the word RELIABLE. Your inability to make this one of your stronger character traits has impacted so many things in your life Zach (and not for the positive). Sure you can say you are being reliable to Tressie and Orla now, but again, you are not paying rent, not having to work, and really not living in the real world of adulthood. You need to become reliable to yourself and reliable to being responsible. When you have put that together, THEN hopefully you will realize that being reliable to yourself and responsibility make it easier to be reliable to those around you who count on you.

​Quit living off of Dad's money and start living for yourself. Make a plan Zach, no matter what that plan involves. As long as your plan is moving you towards a better life, a more STABLE life. Living paycheck to paycheck is for the 20 year olds. NOT your age people. Sorry. I have to throw the age factor in there Be a walker not just a talker.

Until I hear a response, that is all for now. 

I haven't been sleep well.  The other night I woke up and actually shed tear over the thoughts of my oldest leaving for college next year.  I couldn't believe it was 3 a.m. and here I was crying into my pillow.

She is such an amazing kid.  I cannot imagine her not living here.  What are we going to do? What are the dogs going to do?  Her siblings?  I am going to be really sad :(

You also need to know, John snowblowed a path for the pups in our yard. Jackson ran outside and ran and ran around the path.  He was SO happy. Lily put her paws on the top of the path to see who she can bark at.  Oh my goodness.  There is just SO much snow.  I will try and take a pic tomorrow to add to this one. 

If Kaia and I hadn't googled how to say Colorado, we would have never known it was Rado NOT RAHHdo. If John and I had not found the cell phone at the vineyard in Napa, started taking pictures of ourselves, ,and had the intoxicated phone owner figure out we were taking selfies with her phone, we would have never learned that Oregon is pronounced :Or - i - gan and not ore-i-gone. It is these little life circumstances that help to create who we are when communicating with others... 

Back from Maui. Another MEDIC situation on the plane on the way back.  OMG people, don't drink a beer and then take a Xanax!! You may just pass out and can't be revived for a bit because you are SO out of it.  Maybe it wasn't just ONE beer...  I don't know, I don't take xanax, so I have no judgement. 

I a sitting in a local organic restaurant waiting for Kaia to finish gymnastics.  I wonder if I should start a book about watching people in coffee shops.  There have been some interesting people in here.  I was able to do a little work, but it wasn't without total distraction.... Hot guy sitting alone, hot older guy sitting alone.. Yes I am married.  However, both my hubby and I can identify and admit when we see hot people.  I wonder if they think this is a great pickup joint.  I actually think this may be a place a come a little more frequently on Saturday's when Kaia is at the gym.  It is actually quite peaceful and the food is amazing.

I was hit with an overwhelming feeling while in the bathroom of missing my dad. (yes, I recognize that is strange), However, you can never tell when these feelings are going to come.  I just really miss him today.  I wish I could call him and chat with him about my trip, my kids, my pups, and just about life.  I think he would really have enjoyed Maui.  He would have laughed at my stories and then shared the stories that were triggered in his brain from what I share.  We would have then gone into a lengthy conversation about traveling and our different experiences. We would have then moved on to talking about my relationships I have with some of my team members and my traveling experiences with them. Next he would have told me he would really like to meet some of my friends and would have added "the hotter the better". We would have talked about his up and coming trip in June, maybe plan a spontaneous side trip in the spring depending on who is playing at Jazz Fest in New Orleans.  Next, we would have talked about our time at Jazz Fest and when I wanted to get closer to Mumford and Sons, so I grabbed his hand, led him through the crowd, and asked people if they had seen my son who was about 5.  We would have laughed at this because I didn't have children with me at this event, HOWEVER, we did get pretty close to the stage. We would have talked about stealing the ketchup because we had to have it with our fries during our "drunk" ordering at the Clover Grill.  Then we would have laughed about returning it the next day because we truly are nice people.  We would have chatted about my oldest and the trust I have for her to drive 3 hours north to visit her boyfriend. He would have mentioned something about sex and I would have assured him that she is protected by birth control.  He would have been proud of that and then would havea said something preverted which would result in me saying "GROSS Dad"!!  Oh my goodness, this would have been the BEST Saturday conversation...

Instead, I sit in this restaurant that he would have loved, listening to the THIRD time dishes have been dropped behind me.  I sit here and write about our conversation we would have had, but no can no longer. I sit here missing one of my favorite people and wishing, no LONGING, to hear his voice one more time. Feel his hug, and listen to his advice on life whether I wanted it or not.

On this day I will notice the things that would have made him happy.  I will keep my dad on the forefront of my thoughts.  I will talk to him when I feel like it, and I will be thankful for the time, love, and wisdom I was granted during his earthly time here with my as my dad... 

​I love you Dad. 

As I am watching the commotion on the airplane, headed to Maui, I am thankful for my health.  I was just about to begin writing when the horrifying sound of a panicked voice yelled "medic"!,  Apparently, there is a gentleman having a diabetic reaction and having a seizure.  This is not what I was going to write about, but what a helpless feeling for everyone when the only place to land is on the ocean.  Seriously, scary. 

The real reason I was going to write is because of the overwhelming feeling of sadness when we flew into L.A. today on our way to Maui.  It is crazy how much the 4 years of living there made Los Angeles a part of my soul and who I am.  I love everything about it. The people, the mountains, the ocean, the HUGEness of it all.  I saw the Hollywood sign, the downtown skyline, and a little glimpse of the Marina where John and I started our family. 

I can still picture the streets where we walked, roller bladed, and drove to our next adventure.  I would purposely drive around and get lost so I could find my way around better when my family and friends would come and visit me.   It was always easy to find my way back because with the mountains and the ocean, my internal compass knew exactly where I was at all times. 

I remember the tours I would give with my favorite being the "Murder Tour".  To see a glimpse of the window on Ceilio drive where the horrific Manson murders happened, to Bugsy Seigle's house, and of course the no longer standing O.J house. 

I had so much fun and so many good memories.  I decided while flying in today, even though my stay was literally 20 minutes, that I would make plans to visit again with my kids and John.  We were there years ago and their memories are not clear of that time.  Having teenagers now makes a huge difference with our travel as their memories will stay a lot more vivid in their minds. I would love to do all my tours with them and then find out which part sticks in their minds the most.  

I love adventure and if I lived in my perfect world, it would be one where travel adventure along with helping those who need it most would be part of my families life.  I think a mission trip may be in our future.  Maybe not through a church but definitely one