I actually have a thought some people may actually identify with.  
What do "Stay at home mom's" worry about?  

The reason I ask is this.  I have always wanted to be exactly that: a stay at home mom and my main job is to take care of the house and kids. To be able to wake up, worry about these tasks, grocery shop, clean the house, prepare dinner, maybe work out... This honestly sounded so great!! Who out there agrees with me???  Here is the reality. 

I have always wanted this and I got it.  I am that blessed mom with all these amazing perks of life, but I have one problem... I decided to start my own business. 

Tomorrow I am going to the mall.  I am going to finish my holiday gift shopping.  I am going with my college daughter who is home for a month, and my friend who is a stay at home mom.  I AM A stay at home mom.  I am. I am available for my children whenever they need me, however I have a dirty little secret. I have my own business and as much as I want to be present for them all the time, I think about my business A LOT. 

I am working tonight to get things done so I can relax as little bit more but I am mid month of a holiday month WITH team members going through a promotion.  I have to check in occasionally but not constantly.  However, I still have to check in. I can't just ignore my biz because I am behind on my shopping !! THIS is my life. I LOVE my life.  I honestly do. I get to choose my schedule and when I work.  I GET to go shopping when I want, I get to work when I want.  This all sounds great right?  Here is the deal. All those sentences I just said are followed by guilt.  Guilt of me constantly thinking of my business and not being able to be with there 100% mentally ( I do want to say I would not change my experience for the world because I GET to be there). 

Here is my question.  I always wanted to be a stay at home mom which I get to be while providing an income for my family, so I feel I have the best of both worlds.
I want to know what real stay at home mom's with no outside work feel?  Do you love it? Do you love it for a little bit?  Do you crave something else?, Are you really content and Fulfilled?  Seriously, are you fulfilled? When do you get to a place you WANT to do something else?  Do you 100% faith in your spouse you are their #1? 

I have so many questions! I am not trying to make anyone mad.  I just feel as someone who has lived both sides, which side to I enjoy?  I enjoy the side with the money I make now.  I envy the side where I have only family responsibility. However, I have met enough women to know that the latter is a life that people seek, but that comes with it's own consequences of wondering if "I am enough" .

I am seriously curious as to what to true "STAY AT HOME" moms think about and worry about. Are they content? 

Do you think he gets a little bit of a rush from disappearing? He was set so free and was so independent as a child and young adult. This is a sick way of making sure people care and are concerned. The fact we can't get in touch with him is just a part of this need for caring. Don't get me wrong, he KNOWS we love him and care for him, but he for whatever reason, in his insecure mind he has to do this act to validate and confirm love. THIS is not right, I am just thinking while typing.

But for whatever reason, HE thinks it is okay, even if he says in his sober mode he knows it is not okay.

I Look at what it would be like if John didn't come home and I had no idea where he was. Seriously, I would lose my mind. I wish we were together right now. I'd comb MS with you

Journal this... Start writing now. everything you are feeling, everything.
You will find your anger becomes combined with frustration and then love and patience. When you are finished, set it aside and read it tomorrow. Don't erase. Write a new version. Do this at least 3 times. You will notice your emotions and feelings that are consistent, and you will feel better getting everything in the open and released from your heart. You may not find your peace and your answer, but you will have something to reflect back on when times get frustrating. Your path will become more clear.

It is windy and cold today.  Yesterday it rained ALL day long. I truly love rainy days.  I love to have an excuse to wear my comfy clothes all day long, listen to music, and putz around my house. However, I can only do this so many days in a row before I will personally go a little stir crazy. Imagine what my pups feel.  

Today is actually a gorgeous day.  It is 40 degrees and extremely windy, however the sound soothes my soul and reminds me of the crashing waves on the shore of the ocean, while the sand and shells await the disturbance of an incoming storm.

I will choose to stay inside today because my bones ache in this damp cold and my fingers freeze.  John knows that someday I dream about going to a warmer climate in the colder months.  Not a hot climate, but one that I can comfortably be outside.  One that I can comfortably walk my dogs every day, sit outside every day, and walk to all the places I need to go to gather my daily necessities.  Just like I did in California.  

I feel for my dogs today.  For their anxious little minds and their unsettled nerves. I wonder if they have put it together that the cold = no walk.  Honestly, I don't think Lily cares.  She is a nut and as I type this she is sitting on my chair behind me, thankful to be comforted by my stillness. Jack on the other hand is sad and pouting today.   

As I was sitting on my couch, doing my 10 minutes of reading today, Lily sat beside my licking herself with the most annoying slurping sound she makes in the process of cleansing.  It almost sounds as if she is drinking her fur.  yuk. Jackson jumped up to be near me and when he realized I was reading and not petting, he perched himself on the end table next to me and gazed out the window anxiously watching for any movement of grey with fluffy tails.  He loves his squirrels.  Every once in while he would glance back at me and show me those big and sad eyes.  I wish he understood my words and my true sincerity of the explanation of why we can't do something, but I know he doesn't.  I just hope he is smart enough to put the temperature and the wind together into the sad conclusion the walk will have to wait. 

I feel this is quite the boring entry today, but I have been in a little bit of a writers block and trying to break free.  Maybe this mundane entry will help... 

I know this entry is going to be strange, but my head feels heavy and I don't know why. LIKE physically heavy. hmmm.  I have been running so fast the last couple of weeks with my daughter's grad party and all the business things I have been doing that I think I need a vacation.  WAIT...  I have one coming up.   This girl will be off of work from July 3-the 12th!!  YIPEE!!!  I get to travel with Taite to California to celebrate her graduation. This is where she was born and I am SO excited to show her all around our most frequented spots. My mom is coming too.  This is going to be PERFECT!!!  Yay. Off to walk my dogs now!

AS I sit here writing, working on the last part of my yummy omelet with Jackson staring at me, hoping for that last morsel of egg to be passed onto him, I think back on my morning. 

It all started fairly well. The normal over sleep my alarm, or should I say, pushing snooze too many times, Waking Kaia from her slumber with the warning of "We have 10 minutes before we should leave", followed by the beg to skip Select Choir toay, and met with me saying "No, get up."

After feeding Kaia breakfast, making her lunch, and driving her to school, I return home to get confirmation that Quinn will be picked up for school.  GOOD.  Now I can do the dishes, and walk on the treadmill, because it is too cold to go on a morning walk

I push it is little more on the treadmill today so I can justify my cutting my workout a little short due to the need to get ready so I can attend a 10 a.m. ribbon cutting for a new art studio in my little town. I really do appreciate and love art (but not the modern art).  

After a long hot shower to wash away my horrible smell, I dressed in my "go out for the day" clothes, put on a little make-up, and jumped on the computer to answer just a few messages before I walk out the door for the 5 minute drive to the studio.  As I arrived at the studio, it looked a little dark. I was a few minutes early so I sat in my car, listening to a new book, and began checking my email to see if I missed something about a possible cancellation.   There is was.  An email sent on the 21st with a reminder about the snacks and beverages that will be provided at the ribbon cutting on the 22nd of May.  I look at my phone.  It is May 23rd. WHAT A DING DONG!!!  I missed it.  I was seriously looking forward to it, but obviously not enough to pay attention to what day of the week it was. Oh well. 

Now, I am seriously all dressed up with nowhere to go.  I drive around the corner to the post office to drop off the second wave of graduation invites for Taite's up and coming party, and then decide to go and get gas and maybe a coffee.  Would the coffee interfere with the fasting program I was trying to follow?  Hmmm.  Calculate the time:  10:15, 9 hours of eating, Done with food for the day at 7:15.  Okay.  I can do this.  

I skipped the pump of mint and just went for the soy cappuccino from StarBucks.  I reached into my purse and pulled out my peppermint essential oil and put 2 drops into my cup.  THERE.  perfect 0 calorie mint flavoring. Now what??  I contemplated calling Taite and going out for a spontaneous breakfast, but then decided I didn't want to make that sort of commitment this a.m.  I DO have to get some work done.  I thought about meeting John for a spontaneous lunch, but then had the same thought.  I need to make something positive happen in my work today.  Anything. Plus, I kind of want to take work off tomorrow, or at least half of the day.

Upon returning to home, I continued to listen to my book and began chopping vegetables for my omelet I had committed to making.  While the sauteed veggies cooled, I quickly ran upstairs to put my "going out clothes" carefully back in the closet to be worn another day.  I put on a pair of comfy black leggings that go high enough on my waist to "tuck" things into the places they should be, and put on a stripped shirt that could pass for running errands without totally looking like a slob.  I finished up my omelet while thinking about how easy it would be to just talk to myself about all the things that are going through my head while creating this yummy food, and then have it transcribed automatically to my computer so I wouldn't have to sit and type.  Believe it or not, I actually do have a hand help recorder that is supposed to do just that. Where is it though... 

Taite comes into the kitchen while I am cleaning up and waiting for my omelet to cool. She wants to use the upstairs computer, which is fine. I should be working in my office anyway, as it is more private.  She asks me what I do all day at the computer while I am working.  As she is piling my stuff and carrying it downstairs for me, I explain to her all the mundane things that go into my job as a direct sales consultant.  When I say the things out loud, I am reminded how I lose focus, so really everything I just told her should take about half the time, but I do things like this...  Begin writing.  

Now I am at my computer and my brain is telling me I need to get back to work and make something good happen in my business today.  Something, anything. What is it that I want to happen today??  

Well, I really want my casual consultants to place their orders so I can get paid on title.  I REALLY want that. I want to complete my customer service emails so that can be out of my brain and I will sleep better.  I want to get orders from the facebook parties I have done this week so that means messaging people and making sure they know when the party closes.  Wait, that is why I pay for Postmyparty. I want to go to the post office with my catalog mailings for my casuals with the hopes that when they see the catalog they will want to order RIGHT NOW!!!  Okay.  The mailings should really happen first.  

It took me writing everything down to realize that, and that is what I am going to do. SO, signing off for now as the "direct sales guru of leadership and customer care" .  Toodles, The Spectacular and Amazing Sarah

Oh my gosh.  I love you both.  I know you don't like to share the space with me.  You have your places.  Lily in the bed at night and beneath my feet at my computer. Jack, you lie in your bed by the kitchen.  Lily likes to steal this, but you know it is truly yours.  You are just nice. 

Jackson, is wherever I am. Always watching me carefully.  It is like he will forever protect me when something comes my way. He is always watching out for me. I can see it in his incredibly calm calm eyes.  
 
As I write this, I am going to go into a little paranoia. I feel like lately, I haven't been as fun as my husband wants me to be. Yes, our love life has been fine for you all you perverts out there.  We are more regular than most couples I know.  Oh my gosh, for those who are wondering, we do it one to two times a week. (sorry kids :) ).

Any way, Jack & Lily are sleeping soundly not only next to me, but next to each other.  I invited them both to come to bed and they both said "yes, with their body language. They both allowed me to cover them up and rest so peacefully.  I know Jack, especially is comfortable because he is still.  

Seriously.  Today I was walking with Jack.  We went on a "walk run" and Lily was not invited.... We just move to fast for the experience to be successful.  We need to burn as many calories as possible in a short amount of time.  ANYWAY... That is a side note. 
'As we rounded a corner with our pond on our left hand side, there were so many Mallard ducks lying in the grass.  It was so peaceful.  Jackson does not get excited for the ducks.  It is like he knows they have almost a "twin" resemblance with their smooth heads.  Mallards are wiener dogs with wings.  If I had a duck as a pet, I would imagine him to be like my pups.  Loyal, cuddly, and SO stubborn. Anyway, as we rounded the literal corner and the ducks were lying in the grass, Jack and I could not ignore the sound of the frogs. 

As we turned the corner we could hear the frogs chirping loudly.  The ducks lie soundly in the grass while the frogs go crazy.  Then, the ducks begin to walk towards the water leaving their comfort spots on the growing grass. As they begin their decent to the pond below quacking a continuous sound, the frogs stop chirping. It truly is the strangest thing when it is like they realize someone may be watching them sing a solo that they know may land them as the next American Idol, but are not brave enough to sing to the casual walker byer.  The frogs went silent.  The ducks quacked a continuous quack.  THEN, all was silent.  It was like they were communicating. Suddenly, ONE frog began a sound which sounded like a non threatening alarm, but one of warning for the ducks and other wildlife in the area. The lone frog went from a chirp to a type of yodel. The ducks and frogs responded with silence as Jackson and I made our way through their area.  When we were about 1 foot past their pond they began to make their noises again.  
Seriously, with their small eyes, can they really see us?? It may be the vibration in the ground, but it was obvious they knew we were there.  I believe there is a kind frog and the ducks listen to him. 
I think there is something to be said of the kind frog in our lives. The small being with the loud voice.  
How many of you know a frog in your life. This person may be a small part of your day but after observation you see how much they have a HUGE impact.  Who is your frog??

It is almost 3 a.m. and I am sitting in the family wait room in the hospital  My brother had a seizure a few hours ago, shortly after arriving home from an in home party.  He seemed sober.  He seemed like he was just tired.  Little did I know, he had drank before we left for the party and then snuck alcohol at the gas station, then had 2 shots of whiskey when we got home.  15 minutes later, he was seizing. 

They say this is from withdrawal. That at his state of the disease going just a few hours without a drink can bring on a seizure.  A few hours...  This is far as I got that night.  My life has been a little different since then but I am not going to write about it now. 

Last night I had a realization. After talking to Taite about her view of God and feeling I had failed her  in some way, it occurred to me I had not. 

I have always taught my kids to be kind and good. To do good deeds for others.  Be selfless in actions, and to overall just be a good person. 

When we were discussing mission trips and Taite said she does not want to do something like this because God is telling her to, she wants to do something like this because SHE wants to. She lives her life wanting to be kind and good and I GAVE her that. I taught her that. 

So, whether she believes or not, she is going out in the world to do good and if she doesn't recognize it as sharing God's love, I still can secretly do that. 

She will find her way on her own and whether that path leads to a strong belief in God, or just having faith in humanity, it is her path to follow and discover. No matter what.  I am proud of her.