Today I am venting. I hate drama and yesterday my husband said I was the drama causer of the family. Actually what he really said is I ADD to the drama.
I am trying to sort my thoughts out because I don't even want to talk to him right now. He is supposed to have my back right? Well.....In my blended family I have 2 step sisters that snap at each other like 2 little old ladies. This makes my mom tense and everyone else around them frustrated. Over our 25 years together, John has decided he doesn't even want to be around them.
For whatever reason, I seem to be the scapegoat for people to talk about. When our families were smaller, we would all stay at my mom's for Christmas. Now that the kids are bigger, my immediate family has been staying at my sister's house 10 minutes away. You would think this would help lessening the group volume in the house, but apparently, it has made things worse.
When we depart on Christmas night, apparently there are hard feelings which is so stupid because we are just going back to Erin's to sleep. NOT tie one on with a raging leave everyone out party.
Last year I had enough, so I had our family stay at my mom's for the entire time and guess what, the only drama that happened was the yearly "feel sorry for me cry fest" my sister Michele has every year. It is like she realizes how miserable she is when she is with all of us and we don't give her enough attention, so she has to cry and whine about how miserable she is causing us all to be miserable. Last year I totally ignored her. TOTALLY.
Because we stayed at mom's there was no drama from our family because we didn't give the other sister's anything to talk about.
Well, John made it very clear to me the other day that he doesn't want to stay at my mom's and I add to the drama. BUT......... I add to the drama when I leave, I add to the drama when I stay, I just can't win in this stupid fucking drama department.
I just don't know what to do. I am hoping writing this will bring me some clarity. If I tell mom we are not staying because the sisters act like old hens, then she feels bad because she really wants me to stay. If I don't stay and don't offer any reason, than the hens have a major case of FOMO (fear of missing out for all you who don't know what that means :) ). If we stay then my husband is miserable causing me to have mixed feelings in my chest and heart and now allowing me to fully enjoy myself because I have to watch what I say, what I do, EVERYTHING, because now I know he thinks I add to the drama...
I don't know what the answer is. I really don't. My head at the moment is saying to call Amy and let her know my concerns, but as much as she thinks she is a secret keeper, she is not. It gets out someone giving reason to gossip in the chicken coop. My mom wants me to be home. She likes my help and she likes the neutralness that I contribute, and she likes my company. I want to be with my mom. There. I just got the answer. I want to be with my mom. Especially after losing my dad this past year, I really realize I want to be around her as much as possible at the holidays and If that causes problems with my husband, then actually he can 100% fuck off. Seriously, I really do love him and he is awesome, but seriously. The pain I feel in my head and my heart is almost unbearable at times and he doesn't see to get it.
That is all I have for today.